I leave Rome in three weeks, give or take a few days. In that time, I’ll take an LSAT, hear back about my thesis, register for my fall courses, submit a final assignment, take two finals, enjoy a visit from a high school friend and then one from my family, hopefully visit the Park of the Aqueducts and go to at least one more museum and maybe get a second piercing (who knows), pack my bags, travel to Croatia for one last hurrah, and finally say goodbye to my friends, and my life, in Rome.
It's difficult to imagine all of these events occurring in the span of 24 days. It feels like a lot, in a good way and in some scary ways, and I find myself constantly not knowing if I’m spending my final time here correctly. In many ways, I think that the pressure to “study abroad correctly” is completely self-imposed. I don’t know what it means to “do study abroad right,” let alone “do life right,” and usually this doesn’t bother me. What bothers me more — which is, again, self-imposed — is the idea that others will think I’m “doing it wrong,” whatever that means.
I try to remember my goals going into this big adventure: meet new people, travel, take a break(!), learn to communicate in a new language, become more comfortable living away from familiarity, get to know Rome, write every week, invest in the projects that matter to me. And I believe, actually, that I’ve hit all of those. So why do I still feel this judgement nagging at me, forcing me to ask if I’m somehow messing it all up?
I was speaking with a friend of mine about this over the weekend, explaining that in my everyday life I don’t walk around with regret about my time here or how I’m spending it. For the most part I enjoy my classes, find fulfillment in my English tutoring gigs, feel content with my small circle of people in Rome, and counteractively enjoy the purpose and passion that studying for an LSAT or thinking about my thesis bring out in me. And yet, when I spend time inside my apartment, doing necessary work but feeling calmer doing it than I ever really do at school, I feel as if an outsider would look at me and believe I’m wasting this grand opportunity of living abroad. Like I’m not traveling enough, or exploring enough, or going out enough, or meeting enough new people, or being wild enough, even when me, Michal, personally, doesn’t agree.
Last week, talking to Mari over lunch, I told her, “Nella mia testa, creo problemi che non esistono.” She responded, laughing, “Sei la mia gemella americana.” (“You’re my American twin.”)
In my head, I create problems that don’t exist. This is truly a habit that has to end, but I’ve been doing it for 22 years, so I think it’ll be a hard one to kick. I feel sometimes like I’m my own child and my own mother. One part of me messes things up, the other part cleans them up; one part of me cries over things that just don’t matter, the other wipes the tears without complaining; one part of me falls, the other picks me up. One part of me needs to be taken care of, the other does the caring.
I don’t know at what point the first part of me will grow up and the other will fade away. Or maybe I’ll simply always need her, too. Maybe it’ll always be like this. At some point though, I hope I’ll know better which one to listen to.
![](https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/w_474,c_limit,f_auto,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2F4a7f34e1-1498-489c-9abe-48d2e9a655a2.heic)
![](https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/w_474,c_limit,f_auto,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2F6f51fa15-b440-4dc8-865f-ff08d5d6ce8b.heic)
![](https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/w_474,c_limit,f_auto,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2F6ca491a0-69ef-4a27-a34e-3aedfd5e44ff.heic)
This past weekend was Pasqua and Pasquetta in Rome (Easter, and another Easter-related but Italy-specific celebration), and most of my Italian friends left the city to spend time with their families in other parts of the country. I ended up staying in Rome, though I had originally planned to go to Cinque Terre for part of the weekend. Ultimately I didn’t feel secure enough in my studying to afford a trip out of the city, which was disappointing but needed, and I enjoyed the mellow weekend of putting myself to work.
After a fun end to the school week, getting to go to the Vatican Museums with my art history class and finally seeing Augustus Prima Porta which I missed the first time around, on Thursday night I watched “Anyone But You” which was hilariously a recommendation from my parents, and started Friday ready to rumble.
Mostly, the weekend was unexciting — studying, cooking, studying again, calling people back in the U.S. (and in France! Hi Isaac!) as breaks — but I did have a nice outing with Michael and Maria, two Harvard friends studying abroad in Barcelona who were in Rome for the weekend, where we had some great pasta and gelato and got to hang around Cavour Square for a bit. I hadn’t actually met Maria before the weekend, so it was nice to connect with someone new from school, but outside of school, seeing each other in very different contexts. It’s always refreshing talking to other study abroad students and realizing that all of our experiences have their ups and their downs, and our ups are different, and our downs are different. It was a good lesson for me; there really is no “right” way to do this, only what’s “right” for you.
![](https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/w_720,c_limit,f_auto,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2F625d37f0-3f29-4ff9-b115-6bb4c3f6f5e9.heic)
![](https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/w_720,c_limit,f_auto,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2F13c74352-5f20-4bd7-8672-7b5cc015b734.heic)
Yesterday, Monday, I had the day off school for Pasquetta and caught up on some homework and course registration tasks, then enjoyed a really lovely dinner with Kate, her mom who was in town, and some other Temple Rome students. After, I got to catch up with my long-lost soldier Caroline (kidding) who had returned from her 4-day trip (we’re usually not apart for that long!!), and today I’m entering reality again, going back to classes after what feels like a pretty lengthy pause.
I’m excited for what the next week will bring — getting to see my long-distance friend Lauren briefly, and my family coming to town — and excited to crank out some more studying and finally take this gorgeous hell of a test. Così è la vita. Hopefully I’ll also create more solutions than problems for myself this week, but I guess we’ll have to see.
Ciao,
Michal